


How the War was Won

by baroque_mongoose



Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Battle, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 10:37:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3607050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baroque_mongoose/pseuds/baroque_mongoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you get fed up with fighting, there are other ways to win a war.  It helps, of course, if you have a young, enthusiastic spy at your disposal.</p>
<p>Not to mention an old, ingenious ex-spy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How the War was Won

**Author's Note:**

> This follows on directly from "From Russia, With Fluff" and "A Welshman Named Apfelbaum". The three stories can be read independently, but together they form a loose trilogy.

“Oh, for goodness' sake,” said Gil, impatiently. He was staring out of the main window of the lounge next to the war room on Castle Wulfenbach. “Give up, Arroyo. You're not going to win this one.”

“No, he isn't,” Agatha agreed. “But he is very determined, and he's going to cost a lot of lives on both sides. If he cared about his own troops, he'd have pulled out a long time ago.”

“Which is why Ardsley and I have had an idea,” Tarvek purred.

Gil half turned to look at him. “Oh? Say on. If you two have stopped sparring for long enough to have a joint idea, it's got to be good.”

“Well, it was really more that Ardsley got annoyed about the war and had the idea, and I helped him develop it,” Tarvek explained. “You know how Ardsley hates war.”

I nodded. “Indeed. I had a short but impassioned rant about what I would be doing in this situation if I were twenty-five and in one piece, and, thankfully, I had the good sense to do it in front of Tarvek. We have a plan.”

Tarvek went to the door, hailed a messenger, and gave her some instructions. “We'll explain what it is very shortly,” he said, turning back to the rest of us. “But, before we do, it's important that we have the person who is actually going to be doing this. Ardsley may still be as brave as a lion, but the fact remains that, like the rest of us, he is not getting any younger...”

“...and, in any case, I'm still wearing this thing,” I observed, indicating the clank exoskeleton which was supporting me while my spinal injury healed. “Otherwise, old codger or not, I should seriously consider volunteering for this, because it will take some smooth talking skills.”

“Oh, Ardsley!” said Agatha, smiling. “You may be getting old, but you're never going to be a codger.”

I grinned. “I can codge with the best of them, when I put my mind to it.”

“He can,” said Gil. “I dare say he codged about the war.”

“In style,” replied Tarvek. “And therein may lie the way out of it.”

A few minutes later, there was a tap at the door, which Agatha opened to admit my valet, Andreas Apfelbaum. Apfelbaum, who had originally been one Dai Jones of Merthyr Tydfil, had been distinguishing himself of late on the battlefield by assisting with the wireless transmissions; as a native Welsh speaker, he was invaluable in ensuring that Arroyo's forces could not understand what we were saying.

“You sent for me, my lord?” he asked.

“I did,” I replied. “We have a special mission for you, if you're prepared to take it.”

Apfelbaum grinned broadly. “I'm game. So, what am I doing?”

Gil raised an eyebrow. “Your courage does you credit, but some caution might be advised.”

“No, Herr Baron,” replied Apfelbaum, earnestly. “I was a lot more cautious when I was dealing with Whitehall. But Lord Heversham is different. He wouldn't send me into any situation he wouldn't be prepared to go into himself.”

“Well,” said Tarvek, “we're going to send you to capture Arroyo himself. How does that sound?”

“What?!” Gil spluttered.

“Gil,” said Agatha, “hear him out. Remember, you're dealing with a very able ex-spy and the sneakiest monarch ever to rule in Europa.”

Tarvek beamed. “Oh, Agatha! That's the sweetest thing you've ever said about me.”

“Harrumph,” said Gil.

“When everyone has quite finished flirting...?” I said, mildly.

“Ah, yes, of course,” said Tarvek. “Sorry, Ardsley. Well, we're going to do it like this...”

Half an hour later, Agatha was already at work adapting a pair of Gil's powered glide wings, while Gil and Tarvek went off together to build a rather unusual pair of crutches and some other small but crucial devices. A messenger was sent off to find Prince Dmitri of Russia and ask him to come up for a quick briefing session, and my role, for the moment, was to take Apfelbaum along to one of the medical units.

I took him to the one where I had been treated for my spinal injury, in the hope that Dr Corelli would still be there; I had an unusual request to make, and it is always better to do that with someone one already knows. She was indeed, and was pleased to see that I was doing well; but she frowned when she heard what I had to ask.

“We're already overworked here, my lord,” she said. “I really don't see that we can put a plaster cast on someone who has nothing wrong with his foot.”

“War effort,” I explained. “Herr Apfelbaum is going to infiltrate the enemy ranks, and he will be seen as far less of a potential threat if he appears to be injured.”

“Oh. Well...”

“Think of it as preventative medicine, Dr Corelli,” I suggested. “If this works, it will save a lot of lives, not to mention a lot of injuries.”

I had chosen the right tack. “Well. All right, my lord. But he will have to wait.”

“That's fine,” I assured her. “The sparks are busy equipping him for his mission.”

By the time I returned to the war room, Agatha was there with Mr Higgs and the specially adapted pair of wings. Mr Higgs had been chosen because he had quite recently been concussed by one of Arroyo's battle clanks, and the enemy could not fail to have noticed that. They were not to know how quickly he was capable of recovering; it would be quite reasonable for them to believe he was not yet fully fit.

“...so you just pretend to be stunned again for a few minutes,” Agatha was saying.

Higgs nodded. “Can do that all right, ma'am. Just till he takes the wings?”

“That's right. Once he's got them and is safely up in the air with them, you can run after him shouting all you like. We want the enemy to think he's stolen them.”

“Um. What if someone shoots him?”

“He's got Prince Dmitri's shield suit, so they can feel free,” Agatha replied. “Oh, hallo, Ardsley. Is it sorted?”

I nodded. “It might take a little while, because obviously they have real patients to treat who need to take priority; but, effectively, yes.”

“Excellent,” said Agatha. “Well, the wings are now ready, and so is Mr Higgs.”

“As are the crutches,” said Tarvek, who had entered behind me. “Gil still has quite a talent with death rays.”

“If we're going to be exchanging compliments,” said Gil from behind Tarvek, “your tiny wireless communicator is also excellent. Quite terrifyingly so, in fact, knowing your penchant for spying on everyone.”

“And you never spy on me, I suppose?” asked Tarvek, clearly amused.

“You boys!” said Agatha, grinning. “You know you both spy on each other all the time. You may as well just admit it.”

It was quite some time before Apfelbaum rejoined us, with his left foot in plaster and walking rather awkwardly with the aid of a regular, standard-issue set of crutches. “You know, my lord,” he said, “I don't want to be difficult, but wouldn't it have been better if it had been my arm? It's going to be awkward flying with crutches.”

“I do see your point, but Gil and Tarvek have allowed for that,” I replied. “No, it needs to be your foot; you have to be more functional in the air than on the ground, so that Arroyo lets you keep your own wings. The whole plan falls apart if he takes them from you.”

“Indeed,” said Tarvek. “You'll like these crutches, I think. They're very light, and you can collapse them when you're flying and hang them from your belt. Allow me to demonstrate their operation.”

“And when he's finished, I'll show you the miniature wireless device,” said Gil. “Of course, you won't be able to talk into it; what you can do is send us beep signals. One beep will tell us that Arroyo is out and flying. Three beeps in quick succession will tell us that you have an emergency and we need to get you out of there.”

“Do you mind?” said Tarvek, languidly. “You are jumping the gun.”

I waited patiently until Apfelbaum had got the hang of all the equipment he would be using, then stepped in, albeit metaphorically. Physically I was sitting comfortably, and not minded to go anywhere at that moment.

“All right,” I said. “Let's go through your story again.”

He nodded. “I'm really a former British agent called Dai Jones, but I was caught spying in Sturmhalten by His Majesty here and taken prisoner. My authorities disowned me, but I managed to escape and make my way into Wulfenbach territory and persuade you to take me on as your valet under the name of Apfelbaum. Unfortunately, His Majesty saw me, recognised me, and threatened to tell you who I really was. I was so terrified of that happening that I decided to defect instead, and now here I am.”

Agatha grinned. “All the best cover stories are at least half true. That one manages... oh, what, maybe eighty per cent? Pretty good.”

“He hasn't quite finished, Agatha,” I said.

“Oh yes, the wings. I've stolen a pair of wings for him to look at, so he knows I'm really on his side now. Didn't want him to have my own pair because at the moment it's easier for me to fly than to walk. And I'm very happy to teach him how to use them.”

I nodded. “Good. And how would I react if Tarvek told me who you really were?”

“You'd be very upset, but you'd do the right thing and hand me over to the authorities,” replied Apfelbaum.

“That fits,” said Gil. “I must admit, I'd have had him make you out to be harsh.”

“Really, Gil,” said Tarvek. “If Arroyo has even a half competent spy, he will know what we are all like by now, Ardsley included.”

“Well, spies do sometimes tell their bosses what they think they want to hear,” Gil pointed out.

Tarvek raised an eyebrow. “Yours do that, do they?”

“I hope not,” Gil replied. “I make it clear I want accurate information, even if I don't like it.”

“Indeed. So do I. Why do you think Arroyo might not? He is certainly arrogant, but that does not make him stupid.”

“I didn't say it did,” replied Gil, with some heat. “But I think we all know he has a short temper.”

Tarvek said nothing; but I regret to say that he said it very distinctly.

At last, all the preparations were in place. I shook Apfelbaum's hand warmly and wished him the best of luck, and he flew down to the battlefield on his glide wings, the crutches dangling at his side in their collapsed form. The sunlight glittered on the armour and weaponry below, and occasionally another winged fighter would fly across the field to wherever they were most needed. I saw Gkika take off and then land about a hundred metres away; she was very easily recognisable, having painted her glide wings black and then decorated them with skulls in white gouache. I doubted that the gouache would survive a rainstorm, but she could always do them again in oils if she wanted.

Gil looked at me. “If this doesn't work, Ardsley, it's going to get sticky,” he said. “You know we may have to leave him in there if the worst comes to the worst?”

“If it does, I'll go in and get him myself if I have to,” I replied.

“He will,” said Tarvek. “He's done it once already, after all.”

“He won't,” replied Agatha, “because I will. Ardsley, you clot, you're not up to it at the moment, and you would know that very well if you weren't so stubborn. Well, I can be stubborn too. So there!”

“Hmph,” said Gil. “Well, with reasonable luck, this is a merely theoretical discussion, because it will all go all right.”

“But it will certainly take a little while,” I pointed out. “So, in the meantime, ah... lunch?”

It did take a little while. Lunch came and went without the transmitter on my wrist emitting a single beep. That was not too surprising, but as the afternoon wore on and my transmitter remained silent, I began to fear that Arroyo had discovered the one Apfelbaum was carrying. Tarvek had concealed it inside an innocent-looking (and fully functional) pocket watch; but Arroyo was a spark himself, of course, and he was likely to be suspicious.

It was not, in fact, until we were in the middle of dinner that the transmitter finally gave its signal: one long beep. I got to my feet with difficulty, but without ceremony. “Game on,” I announced.

Gil put down his fork irritably. “Damn Arroyo! I'm glad he fell for it, but what took him so long? The next course is a complicated fruit ice.”

“We can eat in the lounge next to the war room,” I pointed out. “Not very civilised, I'll grant you; but, desperate times, desperate measures. Bring your plates.”

Tarvek hailed the nearest minion. “We're going to the lounge by the war room. Please take my dinner there. I have something I need to collect.”

Within a few minutes, we were all reassembled in the lounge, including Prince Dmitri, General Drew-Murgatroyd and a number of others. Tarvek hurried in with his device. I was already installed at the window with a telescope. “Can you see them?” asked the Prince.

“Yes, quite clearly. Apfelbaum looks like a good flight trainer from here,” I replied.

“He'd better not be too good,” said Tarvek. “I need to set this thing up.”

“Would someone mind explaining what is going on here?” asked the General, a little huffily.

“My apologies, General; you weren't briefed, and you should have been,” I said.

“I'm not sure why you're apologising, my lord,” said the General. “Baron Wulfenbach here is in overall charge of the war.”

It was, in fact, entirely my fault that she had not been briefed; but Gil was not about to tell her that, and neither was I. I had wanted to make quite sure she did not hear Apfelbaum's cover story in advance, in case it occurred to her that he might really be Dai Jones and she started asking awkward questions. “I'll brief you now, quickly,” I replied instead, and gave her a concise overview of the situation.

“Give me a hand with this, would you, Agatha?” asked Tarvek. “It's unwieldy.”

“Sure,” said Agatha. “Hey... are you using a Krishnamurthy vector field there?”

“Yes,” Tarvek replied. “Why?”

Agatha's eyes gleamed green. “I can see how to make the beam a lot stronger,” she said. “If you'll just let me take it to bits, I can demonstrate...”

I sighed. I hate shouting at sparks, but unfortunately I am good at it. “NO!”

Agatha jumped. “Er...”

“Focus! Use the device now, do fancy things with it later! We have a war to win.”

“Once it's done its job,” Tarvek purred, “you can play with my device as much as you like, Agatha.”

“Is it me, or does that sound absolutely filthy?” asked Gil.

“It's not you,” replied Zeetha, laughing.

“I should have said it was, personally,” I replied, “but each to their own. Anyway, the point is not whether or not Tarvek is engaging in innuendo.”

“Yeah, well, you're very nearly as asexual as your friend Ottokar,” said Zeetha.

“Actually, I'm not,” I replied. “I'm... no, for goodness' sake, we'll discuss this later. It's hardly relevant to the matter at hand. Tarvek, is that machine ready yet?”

“I do believe it is,” Tarvek replied.

“And have you got a fix on Arroyo?”

“Almost. One moment... yes.”

“Good. Reel him in, then!”

I did not quite have Apfelbaum's grandstand view of the events of the next few minutes, but thanks to my telescope I had the next best thing. Tarvek's vector field beam was locked onto the tiny locator which Agatha had built into the pair of wings we had temporarily given to Mr Higgs. As he switched it on, Arroyo stalled and jerked in the air; then he began to move towards us, dragged by the beam. He flapped his wings furiously, trying to break free. Meanwhile, behind me, Gkika and Dimo were putting on wings of their own; their task would be to collect Arroyo once he was too close to be brought further in using the field beam, and escort him on board Castle Wulfenbach as a prisoner.

“How is it working?” asked Agatha.

“Beautifully,” I replied. “Come and see.”

I moved over to let Agatha take a turn at the telescope. “Oh, wow,” she breathed. “It's almost like he's on a rope. I suppose it's just as well we're not pulling him in any faster, or he might hit the side of the airship.”

“Und den he vould be stunned,” Gkika observed, “und it vould be far less fun to bring him in.”

“And what will we be doing to him when we've got him?” asked Tatiana, the were-samoyed. She bared her fangs dangerously. “Because I have some ideas. He's killed a lot of good people.”

“So he has, Tatiana; and so have we, in trying to fend him off,” I replied. “Everyone on the ground, on both sides, thinks their own side is right and is fighting for it. It doesn't make them bad. And it's not exactly going to make us angels of light if we torture him, is it?”

“Hyu know, Earl,” said Dimo, “hy like hyu a lot. But yust zumtimes, hyu iz no fun.”

“Anyone would think you hadn't been in battle lately, Dimo,” I replied, with a smile.

Dimo grinned back. “Ho. Yez. Hyu got a point.”

“Are you two ready?” asked Agatha. “He's nearly here.”

“Ja, ve iz,” Gkika replied. “At least, hy iz. Hy dun know about dis eediot.”

“Hy iz ready too,” said Dimo.

“Good,” said Agatha. “Then you'd better get to the docking area.”

“Tatiana did ask a reasonable question,” said Violetta. “What, actually, are we going to do with him? Keep him prisoner?”

“Not if he plays ball,” replied Gil. “We're going to have some nice diplomatic peace talks. Presided over, of course, by our very own nice diplomat.”

“I drew the short straw,” I explained, with a rueful grin.

“Well, you are the best person,” said Violetta. “I mean, you're known all over Europa for your negotiating skills.”

“And, after all, the whole thing was your idea in the first place,” Tarvek pointed out.

“I know. That doesn't, of itself, make me the best person to help broker the peace arrangements. But it's true that I probably am for other reasons.”

“Probably, he says,” said Agatha.

“And I shall, of course, be very good to him,” Gil continued. “Feed him well, put him in a decent room, and so on. It's only reasonable in the circumstances.”

“Indeed,” said Tarvek, approvingly. “We hold all the cards, so why not?”

“Speaking of feeding him,” said Zeetha, “what happened to the next course, Gil?”

“It'll be on its way,” Gil assured her. “Though whether or not it'll be in one piece, given the distance it has to travel from the kitchens... ah. Is this it, I wonder?”

It was not. It was, in fact, Apfelbaum, who swung in on his crutches, grinning.

“Mission accomplished,” he announced. “Gkika and Dimo are just bringing him in now. So, when do I get this thing taken off my foot?”

“Very well done, Apfelbaum,” I said warmly. “You can have it taken off as soon as the medics can manage it.”

“Sooner,” said Violetta, promptly. “I can take one of those off. Come over here.”

“How did it go?” asked Gil. “You took a long time. Which is not in any way a criticism; you must have had to do a lot of talking.”

“Certainly did, Herr Baron,” replied Apfelbaum, with feeling. “He's a suspicious old devil. It was all I could do to talk him into letting me keep my own wings, for a start; and if I hadn't managed that, it would have wrecked everything.”

“I imagine you've learned quite a lot working for Ardsley,” Tarvek observed.

“Well, I have, Your Majesty; though I wasn't so green even before I started,” said Apfelbaum.

“That's true enough,” replied Tarvek.

“You're a brave man,” said General Drew-Murgatroyd admiringly, “and you've obviously got excellent negotiating skills and a very cool head. What a pity you're not British! We could do with people like you in our intelligence service.”

I glanced very quickly round the room. The sea of perfectly straight faces gave me a warm feeling inside.

“Yes,” I agreed. “It is, isn't it, General?”


End file.
